Sunday, March 20, 2011

Start of a new chapter

I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO DO THIS. to put a closure to the past torturing months of..shit. I've lived to my best, and lived to my worst. Never in my life have I been so happy nor cried so much over people at the same time, never in my life have I trusted yet feared this much, never in my life have I felt loved yet unwanted at the same time (honestly lol). Really, the whole mental turmoil have got me....thinking a lot each day, probably a lot more than i should. But who to blame really? I'm such a thinker (i.e i think a lot) and through that process of thinking, I hurt myself. I allow for others to hurt me. I give them the power to, through my thoughts. I placed myself in a position...that most people wouldn't. Because it's me. To be frank I don't think there's anyone that will do the same.... (HEY I'VE GOT STATISTICS K i've got people telling me they'll kill themselves if they were in my position, or slap people or whatever larh) so, hey i'm pretty strong ain't i? ;)

It certainly has been a trying time, this stretched me a whole lot. Tested my patience, tested my strength, tested my self-control, tested my commitment to God, tested my faithfulness and more than ever before tested my faith. Faith in God, faith in people. There are times I fell, but I'll be picked up again. Really, I was broken in the process, I don't deny that. I was broken from inside out. Never have I poured out so much and got back so little.There are many times whereby even I am afraid of myself, afraid of who I am and have become (esp the nightSSSS when I cried myself to sleep....omg nightmare please lol) But I still stupidly believe and put myself through all these over and over again anyways. Really stupid of me. So these must stop.

Pain, lots and lots of this, was my best friend. HAHA it's quite funny when I think about it now.. Ahwells!
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
I've been fighting to keep peace. Internal battles, you may call it. And it killed, oh i swear it really did. One of the worst things you can ever be going through, especially when you know that the other party isn't really bothered with whatever that is going on (it's like a double kill). I've 3 perfect words to describe the whole experience: it. is. painful.

Hey try letting a person know how you really feel and yet get no response in return. try trying to fix things when they don't even find that there's anything wrong (ignorance, root of all evil me thinks). try moving a mountain with your finger (stubbornness). try having faith in something that never existed. I've been through these and I survived, suck that losers ^v^

Through these hard times, (furthermore it's like my first year in JC which totally made things worse but whatever) I've learned. Learned who my true friends are, those who stuck by me through good or bad. Esp Jiayu (♥bbd i really don't know how to thank you for always being a listening ear, i certainly hope i didn't abuse your ears hahaha! thanks for never giving up on me, always encouraging me, scolding people for me, and just really, letting me vent out my frustrations) Kezia (♥thankyou for just being there, although you don't really know much about the situation but at least you understand, and that's what i really need. Through these hard times we go thru we've really grown closer to each other and that makes me really happy) Xiuzhen (♥thanks xiu for being more than a leader, but a great friend. always there to give me advice and never giving up on me although i've been going through the same problems over and over again) and all my other friends (it'll be an unending list if i were to list them all down) that made life more bearable. (shoutout to Phoebe♥: BABE I SURVIVED!! no more!)

Indeed, I don't know how strong I am until being strong is the only choice I have left. I can't escape, I have no where to escape to, I have no other options so I will be strong. People say you're strong when you hold on but I believe that it takes a stronger person to know how to let go when they need to. Last but not least, I want to thank God for bringing me THROUGH this hard time. THROUGH okay, means it's over^^ BBD told me I'll have no more hurt and no more pain! No pain no gain. But once is enough, honestly. I do not ever ever wish to go through this again anymore in the future. i will really kill myself LOL.

I survived, fyeah i did.

I was broken, and now am remoulded into a better, stronger person. I've learnt how to protect myself, if i ever meet with anyone like this again the first thing I do will be to run for my life. REALLY. My heart's now more guarded than ever, i think the security around it is more than what the U.S will have on every 11 sep haha jokes.

Song of the season: The Dog Days are Over

I don’t believe in failure, because simply saying you’ve failed, you’ve admitted you attempted.
And anyone who attempts is not a failure.
Those who truly fall in my eyes are the ones who never try at all.
The ones who sit on the couch and whine and moan and wait for the world to change for them.
I tried. I gave my best. But there goes a saying:
If someone wants you, nothing can keep them away.
But when they don't, nothing you do can make them stay.

So, it's time. I know that I'm a beautiful girl and I deserve to be happy. I am a courageous person, and I choose to love. So here's a finger for the past, and here's a toast for the future. To keep myself from hurting even more I will move on, and put the past that have never existed behind. No more tsunami of emotions, no more oceans of tear, no more stools in my life.

I do not wish to self-destruct.

Oh whereas for you? You may be banished to the land-of-neverreturn.
kidding, a new day, a new start!
although i still do not thank you for being that part of my life..

As i look out of the longer were the thoughts of wishing the land would just devourer me, but thoughts of hope and a better life ahead as I look at the sky clouds green land and ooooooh macaroons do i love macaroons!

Here’s to being lied to.
To being walked on, used, promised something, and fed bullshit.
Here’s to seeing the best in him, not believing that he could possibly be as awful as he turned out to be.
Here’s to trusting over and over and over again because you really wanted to believe that what he did was a mistake,
that he’s changed.
He won’t change.
The way he is and was is the way he will always be.
If he lies to you, he doesn’t feel you are good enough to hear the truth.
If he plays you, you don’t mean enough to him for him to be with just you.
Breaking a promise means he is okay with disappointing you.
He knows what he is doing when he is doing it.
He knows what will hurt you and he does it anyway.
As much as he says he does, he doesn’t really care about you.
Here’s to him saying he’s sorry.
With him, it’s one of those words that is said so many times, it doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.
The only reason he is sorry is because he was caught in his lie.
Excuses mean nothing.
Nothing he could possibly come up with could fix what he did.
Now take this as a lesson learned.
Let him go and move on.
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don’t try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring for you, coming to see you,
or staying attached to you.
When people can walk away, let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
I always thought to myself how sad it is for you to have distorted and changed the meaning of love in my life, and then I realised. Hey, that's not what happened! The fact is that you never did. So you didn't warp the meaning of love after all, and I will let anyone do so in my life. Because, love is beautiful and I won't let anyone change that ;')

As Blair would put it:

 So I shall:
And this shall put an end to the dog days, and bring in the start of happy days ahead. I know that I can :')

Dear Lord, I pray that for tonight and all the nights ahead I will not be devoured by those negative thoughts and emotions again but I will have sweet dreams and will be able to sleep soundly, peacefully.

(p.s don't judge if you don't understand what I went through #justsaying)

and for now, that's what I shall do:


1 comment:

phoebejkwong said...

happy for you :) i feel like playing "we are the champions" for you or something lol. love you <3